This past week, I began reading Susan Cain's Quiet. It is an exploration of the ways that introverts can succeed in an extroverted world by embracing their introversion. As a life-long introvert that has spent most of his life trying to approximate extroversion, I have found her writing to be a cool drink of life giving water, and when I finish the book, I will likely review it.
In an early chapter, she talks about Tony Robbins, the self-help guru who as Jack Black famously quipped while shaking his hand, "it's like shaking a bunch of bananas" and she writes that "[Tony] told us at the start of the seminar, 'You don't have to be an extrovert to feel alive...' But it seems, according to Tony, that you'd better act like one if you don't want to flub the sales call and watch your family die like pigs in hell" (39).
Since reading this, I have been reflecting on my own struggle with faking extroversion and I would like to share with you some of my thoughts.
Thought 1: Faking extroversion made dating incredibly painful
The other night, I was talking with Cindy and I shared with her that one of the reasons I love her and wanted to marry her was that she was the first non-family member that I could embrace introversion in front of without the fear that she wouldn't like me anymore. The reality is that few things suck more for (most) introverts than dating. Consider the expectations given to us by Hollywood for what dating should look like: A charming, flirtatious hunk uses his best line on a beautiful, clever woman who knows how to deflect the first line in such a way that he comes back with a new one. Eventually, (some times in as short as 5 minutes) the magnetic, outgoing man and the clever, confident woman are overwhelmed with their interpersonal energy and bada bing, bada boom=love. If you don't believe me, I challenge you to find a romanticish movie where the male protagonist is an introvert (hint: I can only name two).
So for those of us who find playful, flirtatious banter exhausting, these expectations are overwhelming. And often-times result in awkward exchanges as we try to pretend to be Don Juan, when our natural response is the exact opposite.
Thought 2: Faking extroversion leads us to say stupid stuff
I think the best way to explain introversion is to say that we are energized by internal stimuli (we gain far more satisfaction from the debates that rage within our own mind than any debate we may have with another person) and that we process internally rather than externally (you will rarely hear an introvert say the words, "I am thinking out loud")
Therefore, when we try to 'think out loud' in the attempt to approximate extroversion we are probably going to say something really foolish, because we don't practice thinking out loud and the on the fly filters developed by extroverts are underdeveloped for us. Think about it this way, when most extroverts become inebriated, their ability to filter is greatly diminished and they say things that 99 times out of 100 are filtered and left unsaid. For introverts, everytime we try to think out loud, we run the risk of saying the things that extroverts only say when drunk.
Thought 3: Faking extroversion is expected in American culture
Going back to the thinking about the protagonists of love stories, now broaden the scope of the study, how often is the protagonist of a given story a larger than life, life of the party, alpha who wins the hearts of everyone around them with charisma and cunning? Go ahead, try to think of one, my guess is that for every 1 protagonist that doesn't fit that description, you will be able to come up with 10 who do. The heroes of American pop-culture, business culture, church culture, political culture, etc. are predominantly extroverted, and our children learn from a young age that to be a hero, one must fill a room, be glad to be in that room, shake every hand, kiss every baby, and want to do it all over again when we are done.
The reality is that for introverts, parties are exhausting. Which doesn't necessarily mean we dislike being there, but we have to budget our emotional energy. For example, I love being in church on Sunday mornings, I love hearing the stories of how God's grace is being extended in the lives of people who I love; but, by noon, I am emotionally spent and need to get home, sit in the recliner and recharge.
A few months back, I began tracking how many hours in a given week I did activities that required people skills more often found in extroverts, and I found that after 12 hours of meetings, church, meeting new people, being in public, working in a team, and other energy sapping activities, my productivity, enthusiasm, and overall performance plummets. I encourage you to look at your schedule and see how long it would take for you to reach 12 emotional energy sapping hours, my guess is that you would be surprised how quickly you get there, I know I was. In large part this is because in the US, most places of work operate on the assumption that working in a space that is abuzz with the activity of coworkers will increase your own productivity and that multiple weekly meetings are not only helpful but necessary. My boss, Tom, describes his own introversion like this, "I am an introvert, which means I don't need someone watching me to get my work done."
Thought 4: Most employers want an introvert, but we interview so poorly they don't realize it
If given the choice of an interview or a standardized test, I would take the standardized test every single time. Interviews are terrible. They begin by entering a room with one to five people you don't know (strike one), who will be asking questions some of which you aren't prepared to answer (strike two), all with the underlying assumption that you must produce magnetism in the first 10 seconds to make a good first impression (strike three, and we're out).
What if employers were to send out a packet with case studies that required applicants to consider a problem prevalent in a given work environment, and then write out their response? Would this not be a far more helpful strategy in finding employees that would add value to your company, church, school, or municipality? In the church, we produce pages and pages of written work for ordination, which can all be undone with a bad interview... what sense does that make? To give privilege to a 40 minute interview over a two pound stack of documents, recommendations, and performance reviews, that doesn't make any sense.
Now this list is far from exhaustive, but hopefully it will start the conversation. What do you think?
